What if you’re in a relationship or marriage and you’re being wrongly accused?
When it comes to this kind of mistrust when you’ve been wrongly accused, here’s what we can tell you…
If your partner is continually accusing you of being unfaithful and you’re not having an affair or breaking any commitment to him or her, you are probably very frustrated and upset.
Whether it’s something small or something much bigger–this hurts.
You may love your partner, but you just want him or her to believe you and stop being so suspicious.
Here are some ideas from our book and audio program “Relationship Trust Turnaround” that you may find helpful in understanding and breaking this destructive cycle of being wrongly accused…
1. Take a microscopic look at one incident when your partner was jealous and mistrustful of you.
Now here’s the hard part…
Without getting triggered, listen to your partner’s fears and what he or she thinks has happened or will happen.
We know that it’s difficult to stand by and listen to what you think are false accusations without defending yourself but just this once, listen as an observer.
Given past experiences of your partner–maybe with you or with previous partners, do you see any glimmer of how your actions may be misinterpreted by him or her?
Look closely and look from your partner’s point of view.
Maybe you’re a lot more outgoing than your partner and you like to talk and joke with other people–and some of these other people happen to be of the opposite gender.
While there’s certainly nothing wrong with being your outgoing, friendly self, to an insecure partner, this can seem threatening and some of your actions could be misconstrued.
Maybe you work with people of the opposite gender and your partner has a tough time trusting that you aren’t fooling around with a co-worker or that a co-worker isn’t flirting with you.
Maybe you and your partner don’t spend much time together because of busy work schedules and you spend most of your time with co-workers.
Maybe you are friends with an ex and your partner is threatened by your friendship.
So we’re just inviting you, without taking on any blame, to take an objective look from your partner’s point of view at the scene or the situation that he or she describes–even though you probably see it quite differently–and see if you can imagine how the situation could look to your partner.
2. Listen to what your partner wants-without defending yourself.
Encourage your partner to go deeper than “I want you to stop being around ________(the perceived threat).”
Ask what your partner wants more of in your relationship. It might be more attention when you are out together. It might be to connect with you during the day.
It might be to spend more time connecting when you are together instead of you both engaging in separate activities.
Just listen and feel inside yourself if there’s anything in what he or she tells you that you’d like more of also.
Now of course we are well aware that some people have had extremely negative experiences in the past that have closed them to trusting others–and it doesn’t matter how hard you try to reassure him or her or what you do, nothing changes.
But there is a chance that there is something that the two of you can agree on that you’d like to have more of in your relationship–and that’s a place to start.
This is especially true if you have been going around and around the same argument for a long time.
3. Reach inside yourself, feel what you want and then tell your partner.
Ask yourself what is important to you and be honest. There are no right or wrong answers here. Just be honest with yourself.
How important is that relationship with your ex or your co-workers?
How important is it that you be yourself around other people, especially those of the opposite gender?
How important is your relationship with your partner?
From your heart, tell your partner what’s important to you in your life and what you want.
Here’s a word of caution…
This telling your partner what’s important to you in your life is much deeper and much more than “I’m not doing anything and I want the jealousy and mistrust to stop.”
Saying this kind of thing–although that’s what you may be feeling–will only put your partner on the defensive and won’t bring you closer to resolving your problem.
Instead, tell what you want for your relationship with your partner and how you want your life to be.
See if there’s an opening for the two of you to move closer together.
Maybe your partner is willing to take a step to move closer to you and you’re willing to include him or her in more of what you are doing.
Maybe your partner is willing to try some techniques that will help him or her to stop jealousy and start trusting.
Jealousy and mistrust issues can be very painful for both of you and if you run up against a brick wall, we offer quite a few resources that you will probably find helpful…. check them out here