For a lot of couples, even though there might be love between them, there’s still an underlying tension or distance that seems to always be there.
The fights, arguments and disagreements just seem to erupt out of no where and neither person knows how to stop the pattern.
Some people believe they just need to learn how to “fight fair” and that fighting is healthy in relationships.
We don’t believe that fighting is healthy or learn how to “fight fair” because you don’t have to fight at all.
The truth is you can look in another direction to resolve your differences.
If you would like to stop fighting and start loving, here are 5 ways you’re going to love…
These 5 ways to create more love have worked for us and others and we invite you to try them in your relationship right now.
Idea #1 Let go of the tug-of-war rope
Even though you may think continuing to plant your feet and tug as hard as you can on the “rope” will win the argument for you, in the long term, it won’t. When you let go, you can see how you trigger each other and how you pull away.
Letting go of the rope doesn’t mean sucking in your hurts and putting on a smiling face when you don’t feel like it.
It means being “real” with yourself and with your partner about what you want without blaming the other.
It means consciously deciding not to react from old patterns but rather to make other choices–because the old ways you’ve been dealing with this haven’t worked.
It means being open to another way of looking at the situation and resolving it.
When one person lets go of the “rope,” there’s nothing to fight against and a new way of seeing it all can emerge.
Idea #2 Use “Magic Words” when you talk to each other
It’s a fact…
When it comes to your relationships and getting the love you want…
All words are NOT created equal.
Some words cause fights and arguments and others don’t.
Think about this for a second…
One of the ways that many people keep a fight or disagreement going is by blaming and accusing.
You might say something like this…
“How could you say or do that?” or “You don’t respect me because you said or did that.”
Instead of using phrases that push your partner into being defensive and push him or her away, express what you want more of–from your heart.
You might use a phrase like this to help you stay connected even when it’s difficult to do it…
If you think your partner is spending too much time away from the house and away from you, the tendency might be to accuse him or her of ignoring you and the relationship.
Use this phrase instead to open the conversation rather than close it…
“I’d love to spend more time with you. How can we make that work?”
Idea #3 Be a Good-Finder rather than a Wrong-Finder
To a great degree, the success of your relationship relies on what you both focus on.
Do you focus on what you want and enjoy in the other person or do you focus on what irritates you?
It is pretty “normal” to get caught up in only seeing what irritates you in your partner.
It just seems that as hard as you TRY to not focus on that irritating habit, it just gets bigger.
Believe it or not, many fights and disagreements are born from these petty irritations.
To stop fighting, try this for one day…
When your irritation comes up, change it in your mind to something you like, love and appreciate about your partner.
Keep focusing all day on that aspect of him or her and watch what happens.
Idea #4 Appreciate Your Partner
Many fights, arguments and ill-feelings begin and are kept going because one or both people don’t feel appreciated in the relationship–and they don’t know how to get the appreciation they need–so they do the second best thing…
They pick fights and start arguments to get some attention.
If you feel like you aren’t appreciated, your tendency may probably be to withhold appreciating your partner because who wants to appreciate someone else if they don’t feel appreciated themselves.
In order to break the cycle, just try some sincere appreciation anyway.
And this appreciation should go further than “thank you,” although that’s nice to hear too.
* Important *
When you appreciate someone– be specific in your appreciation.
It might be a loving thought that flits through your mind but you never say because you either assume that he or she knows or you don’t say it because you don’t feel appreciated yourself.
If you want to cut the distance and the fights between the two of you, start appreciating.
Idea #5 Stop holding grudges and holding onto being right
People hold grudges for years about things that sometimes that can’t even remember exactly what happened to cause them.
If you’re holding onto a grudge and punishing your partner for something that happened long ago but is not happening now–and you find that you bring it up over and over…
To stop fighting, find a way to resolve it.
Don’t hang onto it.
When you hold onto a grudge and to being right, there’s no room for listening to your partner.
One way to “let go” of your grudge is to open to listening to what your partner has to say with new “ears.”
Listen as if this is something new and listen for any truth at all in what he or she says.
If you want to cut your fights in half, resolve old issues, let them go, and focus only on the issue at hand.
There you have it…
5 ways to stop fighting and start loving.
Our challenge to you is to experiment with our ideas and see what works for you for a more peaceful, loving relationship.