Even though I don’t consider myself a high drama person–in fact, most of the time, I think I’m pretty steady…
I have had moments that I imagine I looked like a critical old, dour, school teacher with a pointy, accusatory finger.
I was right–the other person was wrong and that’s all there was to it!
Whether it was a reaction to what someone said (or how they said it) or simply how I thought things should be…
Folks, that’s drama.
And we call it a dance because whoever else is playing along is reacting in some way–getting angry, accommodating or withdrawing.
And I could be doing any of those as well.
Of course we all do this drama dance to some extent in certain relationships.
In fact, far too many relationships are filled with drama, drama, drama without a speck of sanity (or even civility) anywhere.
What do you do when drama is destroying your relationship from the inside?
Here are a few things I’ve learned about stopping the drama dance that can stop yours (or slow it down considerably) as well…
1. Your reaction is protection and in defense of a story
I realized that my tight, superior “do it my way” attitude was really the result of my story that my way was best…
And others should follow what I thought was best.
When I saw that my story was keeping me separated from those I loved…
I could see that there wasn’t anything that I needed to protect or defend.
Once I saw that the “story” that it had to be my way or I wouldn’t be okay wasn’t real…
That maybe there was a different way of looking at whatever it was…
That maybe someone else may have just as good of way as I thought I did…
There was an opening and it all could change.
2. Keeping the drama dance going is a choice
I sure haven’t seen it as a choice, especially when I’ve been in the middle of it but…
Later, when I’ve taken a step out of it, I could see a point in the beginning when I could have made the decision to listen and even ask a question.
During coaching sessions with people who are struggling with a particular drama dance…
They can always see somewhere in the beginning of a disagreement where they could have acted differently and the argument could have died.
They could have shifted attention to the other person to find out more about what was going on inside them.
But usually they (along with all of us) fall into habitual patterns and the disagreement escalates in the usual way.
The challenge is remembering that you never get what you from doing the same thing you’ve always done.
It always ends in the same way!
And that if you slow it all down, you can remember that you do have a choice.
You don’t have to believe the story that you have to defend yourself or your story.
That’s certainly not to say that you allow someone to be harmful to you…
But if you don’t participate in your drama dance, there is an opening for something else which is kinder and more loving to happen.
3. Opening and Connection can happen if you get curious
When I take my focus away from protecting me and my way…
I am able to get curious about why the other person feels and thinks the way they do.
I can see that maybe there’s something I can learn.
I can let my guard down and ask a question to try to understand.
While my “story” has told me that I had to hold on tightly to my way and prove that it is right…
My heart says that’s not true.
I can listen and maybe we can find a way that works for both of us.
When I’m not open to even listening, there’s no chance for connection…
And the drama dance continues.
The big thing I’ve discovered is that if the drama dance continues, there’s no room for clear thinking or a path to resolution.
So if drama is ruining a relationship in your life, stop and decide if you want it to continue or not.
Believe it or not–it is a choice.