Kate used to love everything about Sam and then as the years have gone by…
Everything he does seems to irritate her even though she still loves him.
–She doesn’t like how loudly he chews his food
–She doesn’t like how he’s always late when they’ve planned to go someplace
–She doesn’t like how he snores most nights and keeps her awake
–She doesn’t like that he never thanks her for what she does around the house, even though she has a full-time job
–She doesn’t like the way he eats junk food even though he has serious health problems
Kate’s finding that she doesn’t like Sam a lot of the time and she doesn’t know what to do about it.
She loves him and doesn’t want their marriage to end but hates that she feels so judgmental and controlling toward him.
Kate is going through what many couples face…
They fall in love and everything is great until it isn’t…
Until you start seeing the “flaws” in the other person that you didn’t see before.
And those “flaws” seem to grow more irritating as time goes on.
So if you feel like Kate does–you love your partner but don’t like him or her very much…
Here are a few ways that could shed a different light on your relationship and your partner…
1. When you find yourself judging your partner, take a moment to look within.
The two of us have discovered that when judgment comes up about each other or someone else…
It’s a sign that there’s something we need to look at in ourselves.
In the past, when Susie had judged Otto’s eating and she’d paused to look inside her…
There’s usually been something she needed to look at in herself that she hadn’t wanted to see.
When she took the focus away from trying to “manage” Otto’s eating and manage her own…
When she saw it wasn’t her job to manage what he put in his mouth–it was his job…
The criticism fell away, allowing for more love to grow between us.
And he did find his own way to healthier eating.
Does it always happen that way?
Probably not but it certainly wouldn’t have happened if Susie had kept up trying to “manage” and control him!
2. Invite your partner to a loving, open conversation.
This is not a “you’re doing this and I want it to stop” conversation.
It’s a conversation about making your relationship better and more loving.
As Kate sat with her irritations about Sam, his lack of appreciation popped up front and center.
And underneath that was the belief that she wasn’t important to him and that he’d lost that lovin’ feeling toward her.
All the other irritations that bothered her seemed to stem from that.
The bottom line was that she wanted more of his attention.
When she saw that, she felt like she could have a loving conversation with him to find ways to get closer instead of blaming him.
She could listen to what was going on with him without getting reactive in a way she hadn’t done before.
They could open to finding ways to get back to loving each other again.
3. Discover if you don’t like who this person has become and it’s a deal breaker for you.
Sometimes life sends you circumstances that are no longer acceptable ways for you to live with someone else.
Only you know what those are and only you know what’s right for you in the moment.
A question to ask yourself is this…
“Do I love him (or her) for who I think they should be or who they truly want to be?”
If you’re loving an image of this person that they don’t want to be, it’s time to be honest with yourself.
You might get all kinds of advice from family and your friends but the person to listen deeply to is YOU.
You’ll know what a deal breaker is for you and you’ll know if it’s time to leave a relationship or to continue to make it better.
If you’d like to have a conversation with one of us to either see new ways to rekindle your relationship or talk about your deal breaker…