As Crystal screamed at her current boyfriend, saying things she didn’t really mean…
She knew she needed help working through what she called her “abandonment” issues.
Her father had left her mother and her when she was six years old and she had healed the hole he left in her life.
It wasn’t as it she hadn’t tried every approach to healing her “wounded child” that she could find…
But nothing had truly healed that hole inside her that she imagined was there.
Every relationship she got into ended the same way…
With her pushing the guy away in some way or another because he had disappointed her and not lived up to her expectations.
Even though she knew what the problem was, she was at a loss to heal her painful past and move onto a healthy, happy relationship.
After Crystal reached out to us for a coaching conversation to find out if we could help, she had some insights over the course of a few sessions that opened a door to a brighter present and future.
Here are a few things she discovered as we explored together that could help you if you’ve had a painful past as well…
1. You don’t have to fall into the trap of “I’m this way because…”
It’s just being human to try to make sense of events, whether they happened in the past or are happening right now.
But when we land on a cause and effect and stick to it by repeating it, either to others or to ourselves…
We stay stuck in that perception that unconsciously leads our lives.
Crystal saw that every time she uttered the phrase, “I’m this way because my dad left us when I was six,” she brings up the pain she felt then as well as when every other man in her life left.
And she has a choice even though she didn’t realize she did.
2. You do have a choice where you’ll place your focus.
As Crystal allowed herself to see a glimmer of a new choice of focus…
She could see that in her relationships over the years, she’d unconsciously used her “abandonment” issues so she didn’t have to open to connection and intimacy.
By doing so, she could keep herself “safe from hurt” or so she believed…
When all she really had been doing is set herself up for more hurt as relationship after relationship failed.
She could focus on the present moment and the present relationship without bringing in her past.
3. Allow fears to come up and fade away.
As Crystal worked with us, she saw that her fears that she’ll be abandoned did come up every now and then.
What changed for her was that she didn’t have to get caught in them and stay there.
She found that if she allowed her fears to come up and not push them down or act on them…
Her fears just dissolved and she could be clear about what she wanted in the present moment.
She wasn’t held hostage by her past and could make clear choices about her present.
In his book Still Life with Woodpecker, Tom Robbins said, “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.”
To us, this isn’t about “reprogramming” your past to ignore the “ugly” and pretend it didn’t happen.
“It” did happen, along with your perception about what “It” meant about you, about the people you love, and about how life is.
When you make the choice (and it is a choice)…
To lay down all those perceptions and stories that you keep alive by reliving them over and over…
You can see without blinders what’s in your present moment.
You can make choices from a space of clarity and not clouded over with perceptions from your past.
In a sense, you can make friends with your past so you can have a happier, healthier present and future.