Christy was constantly afraid that her husband would find someone he liked better and leave her.
She knew that her thinking was irrational because he’d never shown any signs that he wanted to be with someone else but she didn’t know how to stop her feelings of low self-worth.
She also knew that she was pushing him away with her jealousy which came out as incriminating questions about where he’d been and who he’d been with.
She knew she had to do something about her jealousy and to shift the way she felt about herself–and quick–so she reached out to us.
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Now we could have given her a set of affirmations especially to raise her self-esteem but we didn’t.
Affirmations can be helpful in the moment but you really have to believe what you’re saying and if you don’t, it would be like saying over and over to yourself…
“The sky is green. The sky is green. The sky is green.”
No matter how many times you say it, it really won’t change your thinking because you don’t believe it.
What we did was explain that self-worth isn’t dependent on circumstances or our perceived ideas about what someone else thinks about us.
Our self-worth is totally made up by us!
Christy realized she had been privately holding onto the thought for many years that because her family didn’t have the social status that her husband’s family did, he would leave her for someone “better.”
She also realized that by holding onto her low self-worth, she wasn’t taking any steps at getting better at communicating and connecting with him.
In other words, it was an excuse to stay in the “safety” of self-pity.
She saw that by telling herself the story that he might find someone better and leave her, she wasn’t being present in her life in the moment and not really enjoying the time with him.
She’d been waiting for the “other shoe to drop,” thinking that thinking would “protect” her from the hurt that would come when that happened.
She had been living in the fear of the future and not living her life in the present moment–missing all the times of connection that might have been.
So how about you?
Here are 3 ways you can begin to allow a shift in your thinking if doubts and low self-worth are holding you back…
1. Consider the idea that self-worth is totally made up and changes all the time.
Sometimes you feel good about yourself and sometimes you don’t. When you don’t, you sink into a low mood and buy into a lot of scary, fearful thinking about the past, present or future.
You make your self-worth up with your habitual thinking–and it’s always changing.
What if your perceptions that you’ve made up aren’t true at all?
What if you’re making the situation worse than what it is?
What if hanging onto your fears really doesn’t “protect” you from what may or may not happen in the future?
2. Your low mood thinking will pass, as well as your feelings of low self-worth, if you don’t feed them and allow them to pass.
When you don’t go over and over in your mind how pitiful you are (or whatever you say to put yourself down), you’ll be able to allow those feelings to fall away.
3. Focus on where you want to go in your relationship and learn the skills you’d like to improve.
When you focus on something other than how awful your life is or what a loser you are, a miraculous thing happens.
You start moving in the direction you’d like to go and start taking action toward something greater.
When you focus on showing up as love (for yourself and for others) in the moment, miracles do happen.
Low self-worth doesn’t have to create distance and disconnection in your relationship.
More love is possible if you just allow it!