One of the tricks to getting your partner to change is also one of the hardest things to see when you’re in a relationship where you’re really invested and want something better than you’re experiencing right now with that person.
The true trick to getting someone else to change is not the same old ways that we typically try:
- Manipulation and “guilt-tripping”
- Silence and the cold shoulder
- Repeated suggestions or demands
- Trying to get them to see it our way with logic and how wrong they are
- Or all of the above
If you guilt trip, manipulate or any other method of trying to get your partner to change, you’re most likely going to run into resistance and a brick wall.
Resistance is the enemy of change and people resist any time they don’t think it’s their idea or that it makes sense to them.
They can feel controlled and become entrenched even more deeply in “being right.”
The truth is that to have lasting change, a person has to see something new for himself or herself.
Changing, shifting or taking on a new behavior or a new way of doing things never happens until and unless it seems like a good idea to the person.
Change happens almost automatically when the old behavior no longer makes sense but the new behavior does.
This is why if you want your partner to change, the only thing you can ever do is show up as love and be an invitation to something bigger or better that they may not be able to see for themselves.
And it has to be their choice.
Any other ways of trying to get them to change other than allowing them the space to see something new just creates resistance.
Does that mean you have to shut up and put up with “bad” behavior?
Of course not–you have a choice as well.
You have to decide how important your desired changes for the other person are to you and embrace the possibility that maybe you can be open to changing as well.
–It might be that you see something new in that you don’t have to hold on so tightly to how you think things “should” be.
–It might be that you see that it doesn’t have to be exactly the way you want it to be for you to be happy.
–It might also be that the change you want to see in your partner is a deal breaker for you if it doesn’t happen.
Then you have the choice whether to stay in the relationship or not.
True change is an inside/out job, whether it’s you or your partner.
When you, yourself, start shifting and changing, your relationship will change and your partner will as well.