Awhile ago, we asked the people who get our newsletter to tell us about the dumb relationship questions they’ve been asked or had been asked of them that killed passion and love–and boy were their answers eye-opening.
In many cases, these dumb questions or statements had ruined the relationship beyond repair.
Have you or a partner said something so dumb that it could have or did destroy the relationship?
We bet you’ve experienced something like this because even people in the best relationships sometimes ask or say really dumb things to each other.
These “dumb” questions can come off as controlling, invasive and unwanted.
We’re soulmates, best friends and lovers who totally enjoy being together. We have all the love and passion we could ever want– even after being together for 25 years now.
In spite of all that is good about our love and relationship, we’ve still said some pretty dumb things to each other or asked some that could have ruined us for good.
At those times, we’ve allowed our “stinkin’ thinking” to become real and out our mouths, making assumptions that haven’t been true at all!
And this caused defensiveness and misunderstandings.
Thankfully we have learned (and keep learning) the skills to navigate through disasters like these so that our next destination doesn’t end up being Divorce City.
When it comes to these dumb things, sometimes they’re said in the bedroom and most of the time they’re not.
Take for instance what happened to Otto that had him hitting the reverse button, in part, because of dumb relationship questions–
After his first marriage ended, he had been seeing this woman who lived in a city about 6 hours away for only a few weeks when one weekend, he went to visit her. Things were going along really well until she said something (in hindsight) that was really dumb.
She and Otto were driving in the country and after seeing this 92 acre property for sale, she said, “I think we’d really like building a house here. What do you think?”
When she said that, you could have knocked Otto over with a feather.
He almost instantly asked her if she realized what she had just said and she then said “Oops, I do now.”
There were two problems with this: the first was that the two of them were in a brand new relationship and in her mind, she was already together forever.
The second problem was the part about building a new house on that property.
In Otto’s first marriage, he and his wife bought some property in the country and build a brand new house on it.
This turned out to be one of the biggest financial mistakes of Otto’s life.
After that, Otto swore he’d NEVER build another house again and here was this woman suggesting that the two of them would enjoy building and living in this new house on 92 acres 6 hours away from his 9 year old son!
OMG…was all Otto could think.
Needless to say, he wasn’t in that relationship much longer.
Was this all because of one dumb thing she said?
Of course not, but this told Otto a lot about this woman and what might be in store for him if he stayed with her.
So he didn’t.
Why are we calling questions like this dumb?
When you believe the stories you’ve made up, go on auto-pilot and make assumptions rather than being present and mindful when you’re with another person…
You can ask questions and react quickly without considering the consequences of what you’re saying.
These are the “dumb” questions we’re referring to.
If this happens to you, slow down, learn from it and come into awareness that you can change how you interact with your loved ones.
You can question your thinking by asking the question–“Do I really know that’s true?”
You can stop your habitual reactions that are driven by your assumptions.
You can learn to do relationships and your communication with more kindness and love–for yourself and for others!