How Our “Buts” Hold Us Back in Love and Life

expectationsMarsha knew she needed to have a better attitude toward her husband because she was more often than not angry with him…

But she couldn’t seem to find it.

The “story” that constantly ran in her head sounded something like this…

“He’s a good guy, is always busy fixing things around the house BUT he won’t talk about anything meaningful with me and will never change. I want more.”

Marsha was tired of being angry and upset so much of the time, not only with her husband but in all areas of her life…

So she called us for a coaching conversation to get clarity about how she could find more peace and feel closer to her husband.

As we talked, here are a few things she realized about her “buts” and what was holding her back from the love she wanted…

1. Slow down so you can get conscious of what you’re telling yourself or saying out loud

As Marsha explained her situation and her complaints about her husband, her agitation ramped up.

After we suggested that she take a few breaths and slow down, she became quiet.

Then she could actually see what she’d been telling herself that up until then had been pretty unconscious on her part.

She saw that maybe what she’d been repeatedly telling herself about her husband wasn’t helping her situation or her relationship with him.

2. What comes before the “but” could be what you truly want or possibly wanted in the past

When Marsha looked at what she’d been saying about her husband–that he was a good guy who fixed things…

She saw that she really appreciated this about him and when she started to finish with what she didn’t like…

We asked her to stop at the “but.”

We asked her to sit in what came before the “but” and see if there was truth in that for her.

As she sat in the truth of her appreciation of her husband, she realized that his steadiness and helpfulness was what had attracted her to him.

She realized that although she usually thanked him for what he did for her, her constant focus on what was missing in their relationship kept her agitated and pushed him away.

3. What comes after the “but” limits your possibilities, shrinks down your chances of having what you want and may not be true

As we talked, Marsha saw that her desire to have a deeper connection with her husband certainly wasn’t wrong…

But her focus on what was wrong in him and their relationship wasn’t bringing what she wanted any closer to her.

–She saw how her anger toward him had limited their connection.

–She saw how he’d pulled away from her, not knowing why she was so angry.

–She could see that she really didn’t know if he could open up more to her so they could have “real” conversations or not.

–She saw that when she focused on connecting with him, he did open up more and she felt a connection with him.

–She also saw that she was lonely and somehow wanted him to fill up the void that she felt.

When she realized how much pressure she’d been putting on him and was disappointed that he wasn’t who she wanted him to be…

She could see how she’d been living out of a limiting story of how others would disappoint her that she kept herself isolated in so many parts of her life.

She could see that in an odd way what came after the “but” in her thoughts became an excuse for not opening herself more to her husband.

Marsha could see that she could make different choices for a happier, easier life, especially with her husband.

If you’re in a situation or relationship that seems stuck and you’d like to see something new, contact us here…

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