While we all know that blaming and judging isn’t healthy for relationships, we all do it.
When someone doesn’t act the way we think they should or do what we want them to do…
We blame and judge–either saying it out loud or in our mind.
It just seems to be human nature, right?
What we usually don’t see is the damage this does when it becomes constant and either person develops a “judging-blaming” mindset.
When judgment of others or ourselves is the “go-to” or flinch reaction to uncomfortable situations, when differences show up or because we “can” and somehow it makes us feel better…
There’s no room for solutions or new thought to emerge when we do.
There’s only room for the blame, judgment and negativity.
And it can become a destructive habit not only to the relationship but to the two people involved.
Many years ago, when Susie was with her first husband, she realized that they had fallen into a blaming and judging habit of picking on each other.
She knew it was not the way she wanted to live and that they should stop but she didn’t know how.
When the two of us got together, we saw how destructive blaming and judging could be.
Over the years, we learned that when the impulse came to blame or judge each other…
It was just a thought we could either give life to by expressing it or mulling it over…
Or instead, we could focus on what we loved about each other.
We found that if we need to talk about a situation, it’s far easier to listen to each other without blame mixed in with it.
There’s a clarity and kindness to the discussion that isn’t there when judgment is around.
Do we still judge ourselves and each other?
Sure but we just don’t pay much attention to it now.
So one of the ways we discovered to stop blaming and judging (or at least slow it down) in any relationship is this…
Realize that blaming and judging is a habit and all it does is separate and disconnect two people.
It does not keep you safe or make you better than the other person.
It keeps you focused on what’s wrong instead of opening to opportunities for connection or insights that can happen.
When you’re focused on what’s wrong, you can’t clearly see what your next right step is to love yourself and the other person.
When you’re focused on connection, your mind and heart are clear to see a path open up between you.