It’s been a year since Connie’s husband Todd had ended an emotional affair with a co-worker but she hadn’t been able to let go of the pain and betrayal.
She knew she needed to get her suspicions in check every time he went to work but she couldn’t seem to stop them.
Todd knew he’d been wrong and had stopped the “friendship” with the other woman but nothing seemed to be enough for Connie.
He felt like he was constantly being grilled and was beginning to wonder if staying in the marriage was worth it.
Lately, every time Connie questioned where he’d been and who he’d been with, Todd bristled and angrily defended himself.
Connie hated that her jealous suspicions often burst out in those questions but she wanted desperately to be assured that he wasn’t with the other woman.
When Todd got defensive, Connie got defensive because she felt like she had a right to know after all that had happened.
They knew these recurring fights were tearing them apart but they didn’t know how to stop them.
If you’re stuck like Connie and Todd…
Here are 3 ways to put the brakes on recurring fights so you can get back to loving…
1. Ask yourself if you truly want to be with this person and if you’re willing to start over with a clean slate.
If your partner has repeatedly cheated and lied to you, you may need to be honest with yourself and trust the signs that tell you whether he or she wants the same kind of relationship that you want or not.
If you both want to rekindle intimacy and love with each other, that’s a conscious decision you can make and even if suspicions and defense come up, you can make another choice that’s healthier for your relationship.
2. Bring yourself back to the present moment, don’t defend and notice moments of connection
If both of you spend as much of the time as possible in the present moment and not in reliving the pain of the past, you have more opportunities to feel a connection.
When you’ve been hurt, not reliving the pain of the past sounds like letting your partner off the hook for what he or she did to you…
But if you’re seeing a true desire on your partner’s part to be with you and this is what you want as well…
You’re hurting yourself to keep reliving what happened and you’re hurting yourself to keep defending your position when you know it doesn’t bring you what you want.
But as we said before–it’s a choice.
When you keep reminding yourself that it’s the present moment and not the past, you’ll begin to notice times you feel a genuine loving connection.
When you choose not to defend and go down the same road you’ve been going down, you’ll see other possibilities.
These are the moments of opportunity.
3. Focus on connection and love that’s there instead of the recurring fights
When you focus on those times that you do connect and allow yourself to enjoy them, you invite more of what you want.
That’s not to say that you turn a blind eye to what’s going on in front of you…
But it is to say that if you want a happier future in this relationship, allow yourself to enjoy connection and love when it appears.
When trust has been broken, there’s the fear that it will happened again and putting up a “shield” seems to be the best way to prevent that from happening.
We say that a “shield” doesn’t protect you from being hurt again. It just keeps the possibility of love out.
When you go through your life consciously, not believing all the thoughts that roll through your head, you’ll know you’re ok no matter what.
You’ll be more open to the love that is around you and always inside you when you look.