As relationship coaches, one of the biggest complaints my wife Susie and I hear from our relationship breakthrough coaching clients who are women is how big of an issue it is when men can’t (or don’t) stop looking at other women–especially when they’re out together in public.
This is an even bigger or more explosive problem when a man has had a physical or emotional affair or he’s cheated at some point in the past and he finds that he’s always checking out other women.
This is one of the reasons we created our “Relationship Trust Turnaround ” — to help men (and women) build more trust when issues like this come up.
There are several problems that we men have around this issue of looking at other women that are not ours…
First, we men don’t realize how much time and energy we spend “checking out” other attractive women. and (2) we don’t realize how big of a deal it is to our women.
We also don’t realize how much pain it causes our women when we do it.
If you are a man and you doubt the fact that we spend way much more time, energy and focus checking out other women than is healthy for our relationship and marriage, then do yourself, your woman and your relationship a favor and next time you’re at the mall–try a little experiment.
The experiment is simple: Go to the mall and watch other men and “notice” just how much we check out other women.
We look ridiculous (and even silly) as we break our necks looking at this woman and that one–and then we try to deny doing it if we’re “caught” by our woman.
The tragedy is we’re doing a lot of damage to our relationship or marriage when we check out other women and here’s why…
Our women are both a lot more observant and intuitive than we think.
They know what we’re doing when we’re checking out another woman when we pretend to be looking at something else.
Believe me when I say that women aren’t fooled at all.
They see everything and every time they see you checking out another beautiful woman, there is a voice that goes off in their head that says something to her like…
“He’s checking out other women. He wants her and not me” or “She’s much more beautiful than me. I’m going to lose him to her.”
Even if you love her very much and you have no intention to ever leave her, she still has these voices going off in her head when you pay too much attention to and look at other women too long,
This (believe it or not) seems like such a small thing to most men but believe me, it is major to your woman.
So, what do you do if you can’t stop or you think you can’t help yourself from looking?
Here, I’m going to steal a line from the Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron who recommends in situations like these that are “temptations” that you “not bite the hook.”
This is sort of using a fishing analogy here–but what is the one thing you would NOT want to do if you were a fish in the water where there are lots of people fishing?
If you hoped to stay alive, the one thing you wouldn’t want to do is bite the hook.
When it comes to checking out other women, don’t bite the hook.
This is a lot easier said than done but here’s what I do…
And before you start thinking that I’m about to say that I’m above looking at other women–I’m not.
Believe me, I love looking at beautiful and sexy women.
I have just learned how to “keep my eyes on the prize” when it comes to relationships and do some things internally (inside my own mind ) that really work for me in helping me to stay focused on my woman and not other women.
Because I know how to light up my woman (my wife Susie), I get everything I want–which includes all the love, attention and YES time in bedroom I would ever want.
You see the one thing that I do that is the complete opposite of what most men do as it relates to this issue is this…
When I notice another attractive woman, just like when I see a beautiful sunset, a beautiful flower or the jet black Lexus I saw the other day, what I do is I appreciate the beautiful gift of the moment that God has blessed me with AND…
I move on.
Most guys don’t move on.
Most guys not only make a big deal of the other woman and how beautiful, good looking or “hot” she is but they allow themselves to become fixated on her and her beauty.
If you want to light up your woman and create an incredible relationship with her, here’s what I recommend…
Spend more time focusing on your woman’s beauty, sexiness and radiance.
If you have trouble doing this, I suggest that you deliberately spend some time “getting yourself turned on” and excited about some aspect about your woman that you find exciting, sexy and turns you on when you focus on it.
Are you turned on by your woman’s lips?
What about her cute _________?
What about her____________?
The goal is to find the the most sexy, exciting, incredible aspects of your woman and consciously spend time getting yourself turned on by her and the most desirable aspects of her.
Then you focus on that.
I know what you’re thinking.
“Even though I love my woman, she’s nowhere near as good looking as many women I see as I go about my day.”
And while that may be entirely possible, focusing on these other women WILL NOT help you create more of what you want with YOUR WOMAN.
It’s that simple.
If you want more from your woman, one thing you’re going to want to do is make her more exciting to you and you do this by focusing your thoughts on your woman’s sexiness or what turns you on about her.
Changing what you focus on is like building a muscle.
You start with small weights and you build up to the harder ones.
In this case, you start with asking yourself what you love, like, appreciate and find attractive or sexy about your woman and you spend time focusing on those aspects of her and NOT on how unattractive she has become or how much she complains about you to her sister or best friend.
You also work on creating new stories in your head about other women.
With these stories though, you consciously work on making your story about other women be less desirable.
I tell myself things like, this other woman is good looking but there’s no way she could ever compare to my woman when it comes to _______________. And then I fill in the blank with a good quality about my woman that I find incredible.
There’s a song I once heard by our old friend, Charley Thweat that had some incredible lyrics that I think will apply and help us here if we change his words around just a bit.
The lyrics of this song are about finding internal peace and happiness and Charley sang the words… “Peace I find on every corner… because I look for it.”
It’s the same way when it comes to finding something desirable or sexy about your woman.
If you will only look for it, I’m totally certain that you can find some aspect of your woman that gets you excited and turns you on.
But here’s the key. Spend some time and energy looking for it on a regular basis.
Since it’s impossible for the mind to occupy two thoughts at the same time, I recommend that you spend conscious, focused time on the desirable aspects of your woman and off of what’s desirable about all the other women in the world.
Did I say to put blinders on and stop looking at other women altogether?
My answer is NO.
I’m not going to pretend that other women don’t exist.
I’m just not going to allow my mind to get fixated on women who are not mine and I don’t want to anyway.
One of the things I want most in the whole world is a close, connected, relationship with my woman that is full of passion that doesn’t ever die.
I am smart enough to know that I can only have this if I spend my time focusing on what’s incredible and sexy about MY woman and not be fixated about other women and how incredible they are.