“I love my wife but not sexually attracted to her”

spark died outYou’re still in love with her but not turned on by her anymore or sexually attracted to her. What should you do?

If you’re a man AND you’re still “alive,” you love the sight of a gorgeous woman. You do. I do. All of us men do. Nothing too complicated or new info here so far–We’re guys, after all.

It’s actually been proven that men are more visually stimulated sexually and otherwise than women. This is interesting and an important question that comes up a lot when I work with men in my Relationship Breakthrough Coaching work is…

What do you do if you’re in a relationship with a woman who used to really be a “knock out” and now she’s let herself go? In other words, what do you do when you’re still in love with this woman but you’re NOT as turned on by her anymore as you used to be?

These are great questions and go right along with another question that’s just as good that I got in my email in-box awhile ago…

Question From A Reader:

“My wife needs to lose 40 or 50 pounds and this really, really bothers me. She seems not to care. She knows that I want her to lose weight, but she does nothing. Any suggestions?” B

My Response…

Hey Man–

First of all, thanks for the email. I feel your frustration coming through in your question about not being sexually attracted anymore. If there’s one thing that’s true about us guys, it’s that we men are definitely visually stimulated creatures and that can make it tough to be turned on by a woman (no matter how much you love her or are committed to her) if she’s let herself go like you describe.

That being said, there’s so much more to this than you might think…

I’ve got some ideas, suggestions and new ways of looking at this situation that will hopefully help you renew your passion for her and help you create more intimacy if that’s what you want.

As I read your comments and question, I can’t help but wonder a few things if you’re a husband who’s not sexually attracted to her any longer…

~ What is your relationship like, other than the fact that you think she should lose 40 or 50 pounds?

~ Do you really want her to lose 40 or 50 pounds OR is it something more you want from her?

When it comes to your woman, what I’m imagining you really want from her is the same thing almost all of us guys want from a woman. Almost every man I’ve ever known wants to be with a radiant, loving woman who oozes sensuality and sexuality and turns us on and makes us feel incredible and totally inspired just by being with them. And a woman’s weight certainly doesn’t determine whether she’s sexy, sensual, radiant and able to turn us on or not.

To take this thought one step deeper…When it comes to women, issues like weight, her hair color, color of her eyes, how big her breasts are, whether she wears make-up or not and other physical features and components are ALL subjective.

Every man you’ll ever talk to has a different idea about what he considers to be “attractive” in a woman. While physical appearance is certainly a big factor in attraction with our women, the most important thing, in my opinion, is how radiant, sexy and sensual she is and we men can have a lot do with that.

If you’re with a woman and you want her to lose weight but she does nothing and isn’t interested in changing, then you ONLY have three options…

1. You can keep resenting her

2. You can change wives


3. You can change your thinking about your woman

If you keep on resenting her for not losing weight, you risk killing your relationship. If you’re married or in a committed relationship, then leaving her probably isn’t the best solution (especially if you really do love her).

So that leaves changing your thoughts and not focusing about her weight and this situation. Here are some suggestions on how to do this:

~ Focus on what you love, like and appreciate about her instead of what you are repulsed by.

It’s been said that what the mind focuses on expands. So, if you are totally fixated on the fact that she “needs to lose 40 or 50 pounds” and you keep your mind focused on that, it will only do two things and neither of them are good.

The first negative thing it will do if you’re focused intensely on her weight is it will make her withdraw and distance herself from you. She may not even do this consciously but energetically she can feel your disapproval of her. When she feels this disapproval from you (no matter how big of a deal you’ve made it), it’s incredibly difficult (if not impossible) for a woman to not only be open and radiant but it’s also incredibly difficult for her to give herself to her man completely if she feels that he doesn’t really want to be with her, he is really upset about some aspect of her or embarrassed by her.

You, like all of us men, love the physicality and beauty of women and my suggestion here is for you to find a way to find things about her that either do turn you on or could turn you on and focus on those things. Please understand that I’m not asking you to put blinders on and pretend your woman looks different than she does.

This isn’t the case at all.

What I’m simply encouraging you to do is to change what you’ve focused your attention on about her. Consciously look for ANY aspect of her that you do find attractive or do think is sexy and focus on that.

When I mentioned this subject to my friend Shane a couple of days ago, he told me a quick story about how he handled a situation similar to yours. Shane told me about how he remembered that right after his wife had given birth to their son, she still had quite a bit of fat on her body.

Instead of focusing on the weight that was still there from her carrying their baby, he said what he chose to focus on was “how sexy her back was.” In other words, what he consciously did was to take his mind off the places on her body that didn’t turn him on and focus on the parts of her that were a turn on for him. It worked for him.

I think it can work for you too as long as there aren’t other deep issues between the two of you that are causing you to want to move away from each other instead of closer together.

What I like to do with Susie (my woman) is to find a particular curve on her body and look at it and let my mind and my body be turned on by that curve. It might be that I choose to look at a curve of hers that’s totally different from the one I chose to fixate on this morning or last night or last week. But what I try to do is always be looking for what turns me on instead of what doesn’t.

I can’t know what’s right for you and your relationship but this is a very simple idea that can open her and change your relationship for the better forever. It has mine.

I don’t care how beautiful a woman is, if you choose to look for it, there is always something you can find about her that’s UGLY or unattractive. Just the same as the beautiful woman, there’s ALWAYS something about your woman you can find exciting and a turn on but you MUST look for it.

When you find it, that’s what you spend your time focusing on. When you do that, you might even be surprised by some changes she makes when you love her in this new way.

Scroll to Top