Kristin had a big problem because her husband Paul looks at other women.
She hated that whenever they were out together, she was always on guard and looking where he was looking.
Every beautiful woman who came into the restaurant, bar, movie, or even the grocery store where they were seemed to be a threat to her.
Sometimes she caught Paul looking and sometimes not, but even if he wasn't looking...
Her mind made up stories that he wanted someone other than her--and especially the woman who just walked in.
She would become so tense that when Paul asked her what was wrong...
Sometimes she'd say, "Nothing," and sometimes she'd accuse him of looking but always her insides would be in turmoil until she'd almost throw up.
In her heart, she knew he wasn't "ogling" other women and that he really wasn't doing anything wrong.
Kristin knew it was her insecurity talking and she had to do something about her jealousy because it was driving a wedge in their marriage.
She imagined he'd get sick of the accusations and it would actually drive him away.
That's when she came to us looking for help.
As we talked with her, here are some insights she had about jealousy and her husband looking at other women...
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1. Looking to find him "looking" had become a habit for her.
She had a big "aha" when she realized that she had been expecting him to find someone else more attractive so she was constantly, out of habit, scanning people for possible candidates.
When she saw what she was doing, she realized that she had been perpetuating this agony for herself.
2. When Paul did look, she had been making up meanings that weren't true.
She realized that she had racheted up her thinking to where she had him hooking up with this woman and leaving their marriage.
Her internal stories and the important she placed on them had created her anxiety.
She saw that she didn't have to believe everything that voice in her head told her.
3. Jealousy had been a way to avoid the intimacy with Paul that she really wanted.
Kristin saw that what she really wanted was a deeper connection with him but had been afraid to open to him for fear of getting hurt.
She began to see ways that she could connect with him on a daily basis and relax with him instead of holding herself so tight.
She saw that when her mind was absorbed with fears of his infidelity, she didn't see the love they did have.
So what about you?
CAUTION: If your partner is going out of his way to ignore you when you're out and spend all his time looking at other women, it could definitely be a wake up call and red flag for you to pay attention to.
Find out the truth and if you discover infidelity, don't be afraid to set boundaries that are loving to you and get help and support if you need it.
Or...
If you can see yourself in Kristin's story and your fears of infidelity are unfounded but you still struggle with jealousy and trust...
Know that we are not blaming Kristin or you for the struggle.
But what we know is that you don't have to be held hostage by jealous thinking whether there's any truth to your fears or not.
You can see something new that can lead to deeper connection and love or you can have a clearer mind so you know what's the next step in your relationship to take.