Whether you’re married or have been in a love relationship, at one time or another, you’ve probably experienced disconnection-- as if a wall had sprung up between the two of you. The relationship wall could’ve resulted from a major disagreement, an argument that was never resolved, or perhaps it’s been slowly building over time.
Despite the specific cause, a relationship wall between you and your partner means that you are not living the close, passionate intimate relationship you want.
You may be hoping, wishing, that that wall would just disappear! In the Harry Potter books and movie series, Harry and his schoolmates travel to Hogwarts School by way of a magical train which picks them up from a special train platform. Before his first year at Hogwarts, Harry is told to meet the train at Platform 9 ¾. He is confused to find nothing but a solid-looking brick pillar between platforms 9 and 10. Finally, a family shows him how to literally walk into and through the pillar (at a nice run even) to get to where he wants to go.
We realize that the Harry Potter world is one of fantasy that is different in many ways from the one we live in. But, we can learn valuable lessons about dissolving a relationship wall from Harry’s experiences reaching Platform 9 ¾.
Here are a couple of lessons for dissolving a relationship wall...
Lesson #1: Awareness
It was a befuddling mystery to Harry when he first approached Platforms 9 and 10. Even when he was told that 9 ¾ was through the pillar, he had a hard time seeing beyond that seemingly solid brick.
This lesson can be applied in two ways. The first is all about staying tuned in. Both people in a love relationship need to become and stay aware of what’s going on within themselves, with each other, and with their relationship. If you sense unease coming up, set aside some time to discover what’s going on. Addressing disconnection, such as verbal disrespect, as soon as you notice it can help prevent relationship walls from
When you sense a wall building in your relationship, you can use awareness to begin to dissolve or dismantle it. Harry didn’t know how—or even that he could— just pass through the wall between Platforms 9 and 10 until he was shown how. Similarly, staying awake in your relationship and noticing when a wall is forming (or one that has already formed) is a first step.
Make it your intention to let go of the stories you tell yourself about whatever the situation is. Set aside judgments about who is “right” and share with your partner your feelings. Then listen with an open heart to what he or she has to say.
Lesson #2: Trust
The first time Harry ran at the pillar, he undoubtedly felt fear and concern about what would happen next. Not only would it be embarrassing to have run at and crashed into a brick pillar, it would probably hurt quite a bit as well! He was successful in passing through the pillar when his trust that he would move safely through it was stronger than his fear of crashing into it.
When facing a wall in your relationship, it can be difficult to remember the love, connection and good feelings that you may have experienced more easily in the past. We’ve all been in the middle of an argument and it seems that the intense feelings are all we can see. However, once the argument has past, we can hardly believe it was such a big deal.
Trusting that closeness and intimacy will happen for you is vital. Think of a past connected time with your love and focus in on the good feelings you associate with that memory. We’re not asking you to live in the past. Instead, we want you to remind yourself how wonderful connection feels and know it is possible to feel that way again.
If memories of intimacy and connection do not come to you easily, no worries. Treat yourself by making time to create in your mind (and heart) a clear idea of what you want your love relationship to feel like. You may choose to share this vision with your partner. If so, share from a place of love without blame or judgment. After sharing, ask your partner what his or her dream vision of your relationship looks like. Listen with your heart open.
While our world is quite different from the fantastical situations portrayed in the Harry Potter series, it serves as a colorful example. As you focus your awareness and strengthen trust to dissolve walls between you and your partner, you might just open up to a more magical, passionate relationship!