Getting Out of an Emotional Jealousy Trap…

When you fall into a jealousy trap, you can feel like your emotions have been hijacked and you have absolutely no control over them.

Jealousy can come up with friends, family members, co-workers and of course, intimate partners.

It can blindside you over something small that niggles away at you or something that happens that’s life changing.

Whatever reason sparks jealousy, your reactions can be considered over-the-top by those who witness them and it can sure damage your relationships.

Because we’ve helped people overcome jealousy for almost 25 years…

And have dealt with it ourselves in our relationship…

We can offer you a few ways to begin getting out of an emotional jealousy trap and get back to loving…

1. Allow the idea that jealousy is a habit of thought

We’ve heard some people describe themselves as a “jealous person” and we’re here to dispel that idea.

Jealousy and jealous reactions are a result of the thoughts you continue to spin and believe, keeping you in an agitated state.

We certainly recognize that another person may be doing something that violates your commitments or that you don’t want them to do.

That certainly can happen.

But often, the other person isn’t doing anything to cause your jealous reactions and you’re puzzled by the hold it has on you anyway.

Rose, a coaching client from years ago, felt hopeless against the raging jealous feelings that came up inside her.

Every intimate relationship ended the same way with the guy leaving because of the questioning and mistrust she carried from relationship to relationship.

She thought she was “just a jealous person” and would have to live with it.

But during coaching, she saw that she had been keeping these intense feelings front and center by the stories she’d kept reliving–that every relationship ended and no one would love her.

She saw how her thinking sabotaged every relationship and kept her in a constant state of waiting for the other shoe to drop and the current guy to leave her.

She began to realize that she had been creating her misery, based on her miserable track record in the past and not simply the guys she’d been with.

2. Look toward what you truly want

When you’re jealous, you’re always focusing on what you don’t want instead of what you do want.

You’re always looking for what’s wrong and this is a habit that you can break.

As Rose thought about this idea, she saw that she not only looked for what was wrong in her intimate relationships but always with her family, co-workers and friends.

Somehow she felt that by doing this, she would be “prepared” when they disappointed her but it never happened that way.

No amount of “preparation” helped when the time came “it” happened.

When Rose saw the extent to which she was focusing on and looking for what was wrong in all aspects of her life…

She allowed herself to look toward what she really wanted in these relationships instead of what she didn’t.

Seeing past the hurt she kept active inside her, she noticed that she wanted was to feel important to the people in her life…

And she never quite felt that way.

As we talked with her, Rose discovered that the place to start getting what she wanted was not outside her…

But rather looking inward, loving herself and making herself important to her.

As we explored ways for her to do this, she saw that taking more time for self-care by being in nature and being okay doing it by herself could help.

It could be something different for you like suggesting an activity that would be fun for you and your significant other–focusing on enjoying yourself and not on what’s lacking.

3. Discover what you’re doing that takes you from what you want and make a choice

When you fall into a jealousy trap, you can have all sorts of reactions.

–You can clam up and pull away, saying “nothing’s wrong” but the other person knows there is…

–You can get very angry and explode, spilling out hurtful words that you can’t get back…

–You can incessantly ask questions that suggest mistrust and the other person gets tired of it…

–Or you can do all of the above or something else.

When you step out of it and take an honest look (without putting yourself down) at what you do when jealousy triggers you…

You’ll be able to see your “go to” response and make a choice at that point.

Usually you have to catch the thoughts early before they turn into a spiral of jealous reactions…

But the truth is that you can slow down to see “it” before whatever it is gets going and make the choice for something different.

That “something different” can be…

–Dismissing the agitating stories you’re starting to weave…

–Turning your focus elsewhere…

–Doing something to love yourself in that moment…

–Physically leaving the situation for  a moment to allow yourself to calm down…

–It can simply be remembering where your jealous reactions take you and making the choice not to go down that road again.

Rose saw that her incessant questioning came from her insecurity and was a worthless strategy  obecause it just pushed the person away and caused mistrust.

She always thought the answers to her questions would provide security in the relationship but they never did.

As she saw this, she made the choice to stop.

You can stop falling into a jealousy trap and ruining your relationships as well.

If you have questions how this might happen in your life, contact us here…

 

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