Being a good girl people-pleaser on the surface had its perks but being a secret rebel was much more fun—until it wasn’t.
Growing up, I discovered that in order to be liked and loved in my family, I had to adopt and follow someone’s rules, not really aware of what I wanted. My “good girl” came in handy as I navigated my young life.
I studied, got good grades, practiced piano and organ for hours, read, went to the Methodist church next door and even gave a sermon once during a youth-led service. Did everything I should do. I wasn’t invited to teenage parties, probably because I was a “good girl” but the payoff was that it brought me accolades from adults and I felt important.
Without me really knowing it, there was a rebel that lurked, deeply hidden inside and she started emerging my first year of college after I left home.
I pledged a sorority filled with other good girls who shined academically but I found them boring and gravitated to a fun girl from Pittsburgh named Lynn who introduced me to Doo Whop, the music she listened to and I loved it. She opened my eyes to dressing differently with more style as I tried to break away from my southern Ohio roots and my good girl.
Over that summer after my first year in college, I allowed my rebel to come out in full force when I wrote letters to a new friend I’d made at college. In those letters, I experimented with peppering cuss words into my writing. I was shocked when the girl’s mother wrote back that I wasn’t to communicate with her daughter again because she didn’t want her to associate with a vulgar girl like me! She obviously didn’t realize that I was really a good girl who was allowing her rebel to experiment with leading the way.
Over the years, outwardly following others’ rules for my life, I rebelled in various ways. I got pregnant before I was married which no one in my family had done. My mom told me that was the worst thing that had ever happened to her. Really???? I guess my rebel surprised her.
I smoked marijuana with my previous husband and friends after our young daughter was in bed and then taught high school kids the next day who were doing much the same thing. It was the 1970’s after all.
Outwardly I showed respect for the principal of our school but when I criticized him behind his back in the teacher’s work room which was adjacent to his office, he heard my rebel in full force and let me know his disappointment. He thought I was a good girl!
The first summer that I worked 12 months a year at the university as a librarian, I rode my father’s Honda 90 motorcycle with no automatic starter 2 miles to work. I wanted to look good and professional so I wore heels and dresses which made starting the motorcycle difficult. My rebel told me I was going to have fun despite only having 2 weeks off a year.
I broke other rules while professing not to as I attempted to get the approval of the rule-makers as a “good girl” while secretly (or not-so-secretly) following my rebel.
For many years, my mode of operandi was to look like I was following the rules but really following my own rebel rules.
It wasn’t until I was in my 50’s that I began to see a different way of being which involved being authentic to who I truly am–accepting all of who I am.
When I accepted that thoughts came and went and I could actually choose which ones to focus on, I saw the truth of who I am. I didn’t have to rely on past roles or patterns of either the good girl or the rebel. I could consciously choose how I wanted to live my life.
I could allow my rebel to come into the light of day instead of hiding her desires away, assuring her that she no longer needed to hide and that there wasn’t anything to rebel against. I could choose to consciously act from the truth of who I am.
That also meant no more people-pleasing or manipulation as the good girl to keep myself safe and loved. I no longer had to assess a situation for what I thought others wanted me to say or how I should act before I responded. Instead, I could look inside for what was true for me and then act from an authentic, grounded place.
I no longer had to play a part while manipulating situations to suit what I truly wanted.
I realized that I didn’t have to make either the good girl or the rebel wrong. I could appreciate the good girl who continues to serve me in finishing projects, getting done what I said I’d do, being on time for commitments, being very organized and so much more.
I could appreciate my rebel who really just wants to have fun and do what she wants to do!
My life changed when I realized that I don’t have to listen solely to either part of me. I could gently move my attention beneath my “good girl” who seeks approval as well as my rebel who seeks freedom in a manipulative way and see what’s there always—the core of who I truly am. I can move through my world from wholeness and the truth of who I am.
The voices still might be there but I just stopped blindly obeying them.
Life has become so much happier and easier that way!
So what about you?