As Pam sipped her coffee, her thoughts brought her to all the ways she was unlovable.
All she’d ever wanted was to be loved, truly loved, and she wondered how she got so far from actually fulfilling that desire.
She hadn’t had a “bad” childhood but her sister who Pam never could live up to seemed to get all her parent’s attention.
Every intimate relationship she’d had, including two marriages, had ended painfully with Pam feeling like a failure.
She’d even had a few important friendships end for seemingly no reason although she knew it was because she was unlovable.
She came to us because she knew there was something “wrong” with her and wanted to “fix” it so she could at last feel loved.
Here’s some of what she learned about not feeling loved that can help you as well if you feel this way…
1. Being loved and feeling lovable starts inside you
It may seem like a “chicken or egg–which came first?” argument but feeling lovable does start inside you.
Pam had built up so much evidence from outside her that she wasn’t loved or lovable that it was difficult for her to see this.
She could only see what the outside world was supposedly showing her–and that hadn’t been pretty.
But when we asked her if she’d ever felt the flow of love inside her, she at first said a loud “no”…
And then she paused and remembered a dog she’d had growing up and the flow of love she’d felt then.
She also remembered walking in the woods recently and feeling love and appreciation for all the trees and plants.
She was able to see that these instances of love came from inside her and although it seemeed like outside circumstances were creating this love…
It came from inside her.
2. Look at your patterns and the story you believe
When you take a step out of your habitual way of thinking, you might see a pattern emerge that you’ve been running maybe your entire life…
The thoughts you believe to be true, that you continue to keep alive, that bring you misery.
When Pam allowed her emotions to settle, she could see the thoughts she kept active and continued to believe.
It was the little things as well as the big circumstances in her life that she knew wouldn’t work out because she was unlovable even though she hadn’t thought of it in that way before.
She saw that she expected that people would let her down, that she wouldn’t find a good parking place or that nothing would work out for her.
She believed the story that she was a loser and it wasn’t in the cards for her to be loved because she had so much evidence that it wasn’t possible.
When she stepped back to look at her habitual pattern of thinking, she laughed and said it wasn’t surprising that relationships didn’t work out for her.
She was always looking for evidence that they would end badly…
And they did!
Pam saw that she had not been receiving the love that was offered, denying that it was ever there.
3. You have a choice
In saying you have a choice, we’re not saying to shift your thinking to more positive thoughts and it will all work out.
You don’t have to be afraid of thoughts that take you away from what you want and keep you stuck…
And you don’t have to believe them.
We are saying that in every moment, you make the choice whether to live in possibilities or in fear.
This choice is called free will and allows you to live in misery or in freedom.
When you can shift your attention from the limiting thought to even a neutral thought, life just gets better.
Pam realized that continually looking outside herself for the love she desperately wanted was keeping her stuck.
She knew she had to start loving herself first and she began by making the choice to not listen to or believe the negative self-judgments that constantly ran through her mind.
She began walking in nature more and appreciating the beauty around her.
She began consciously extending kindness and love to the people she met.
As it became a habit for her, it wasn’t forced but came from a genuine place inside her.
And as she more aware of the love that was always there around her, she was open to receiving it on a deep level.
You don’t have to stay stuck and live feeling you’re not lovable.