Showing up as love and with an open heart is incredibly difficult when you’ve got judgments about yourself, somebody else, some situation or something that you think should be different.
Jack’s wife Sandy was so upset with him when she found out about these two secret bank accounts he had.
He’d been squirreling away money to help Amber, one of their daughters, with her finances and Sandy was livid about it because it wasn’t the first time this had happened.
Jack simply thought Amber needed help and Sandy didn’t think so.
He was so filled with anger and judgment toward his wife (and she was angry with him) that their relationship became just simply surface level.
There wasn’t any true connection like there used to be.
Jack was judging Sandy for not wanting to help their daughter who really needed help (in his opinion of course)…
And Sandy was judging Jack for being a “pushover” when he was just doing what he thought was helpful, kind and loving.
Our judgments of ourselves and each other play out in so many ways and are so destructive to our relationships.
They stop any honest communication and listening to each other.
Most of the time we aren’t even aware how much damage we’re doing just simply in the name of doing what we think is the “right” thing.
What we’ve seen is that you can have an open, loving heart one minute and the next minute your thoughts and judgments about someone can come creeping in and you don’t even know where those thoughts came from.
If you want to see how your judgments and everyone else’s judgments are playing out in living color…
Go on any social media site or attend a family function and your and everybody else’s judgments (internal and external) will be on full display…
“They shouldn’t have said that!”
“How could she act that way?”
“Why is he so stubborn?”
“I’m so stupid for saying that!”
“How could they claim to be a good person and believe that?”
“She never liked me!”
“Why would they spend money on that when so much is needed in the world that could benefit from the funds they just spent on this ridiculous thing?”
There’s no end to how we judge other people, other situations and most of all ourselves.
Judging ourselves and others is one of the most destructive things you can do if you want to create more love and connection.
Judgments close us down and we pull away, no matter who or what we’re judging.
When you’re aware of how much and how often judgments are getting in the way of what you really want in your life…
You can make another choice.
Here are a few quick tips on how to stop judgments from getting in the way of love…
1. Just simply notice what comes after the thoughts that make you or someone else wrong.
So often, a judgment is our default and thoughts whiz by without us even being aware of them.
It can be surprising how often those thoughts are critical of ourselves and others.
Only when you start to notice your judgments can you decide that you want something better for your life and your relationship.
When Sandy became aware of how often she criticized most everything about Amber and her life, as well as Jack’s attempts to help her…
She realized that she’d become hardened to both of them, while favoring their other daughter.
Jack saw how his actions of setting up these secret accounts excluded Sandy and sent the message that Amber was more important to him…
Which wasn’t the truth.
Both Jack and Sandy became aware of how these judgments of each other had been harming their relationship.
2. Drop the story
When you become aware of your judgments, drop the story that accompanies them…
And all the things that you think should or shouldn’t happen will fade away.
Then there is a space that opens within you to experience more love, more kindness, more appreciation and more of what you really want in life which is connection.
When Sandy dropped the stories about how hurt she was that Jack had excluded her and that Amber had her dad wrapped around her finger…
When Jack dropped the story that Sandy was rigid and mean when it came to Amber and that he had to hide what he was doing…
A space opened up for them to talk about the situation without shouting at one another.
A space opened for new ideas about how to support Amber in a kind and loving way they both could agree on without making it an issue between the two of them.
When do you get to the end of your life (or even to the end of your day or week)…
You’re not going to look back and say, “I sure had a great life because I did such a great job of judging myself and others.”
You’re going to feel good about how connected and how you’ve loved and been loved by the people who’ve crossed your path in this life.
Dropping your judgments of yourself and others is a huge step in feeling and experiencing more of what you really want in love and life.
Becoming aware of when, how and with whom judgments come up (and how you react and respond when the judgments come up) can be life-changing.
Once you see how much damage this could be causing for you in your life…
Then you can stop judging so much and find the love that is right there waiting for you where it has been all along…
Inside you.