This summer strong storms moved through Ohio where we live, uprooting a giant tree and destroying a third of a house a few streets from ours. We hoped that this wouldn’t happen to us but nature had other plans.
Three weeks later, as the sky darkened and 100 mph straight lined winds, rain and hail ripped through our back yard, I knew something big had happened that we’d have to deal with.
The first thing I saw as I rushed outside to our screened-in porch was a 20′ branch from our neighbor’s dead tree poking through one of the screens. When the storm passed, I saw that a large part of the tree was leaning against the house had gouged the siding and the top of the tree was on our newly shingled roof. Not a catastrophe considering there was no structural damage to our house but I realized it would be a nuisance to deal with.
After extensive negotiations, our neighbor’s insurance company paid for repairing the gutters, shingles, siding, tree removal and screen repair. Being resourceful people, my husband and I decided to repair the two screens that were damaged ourselves. Easy, right?
Well maybe, maybe not.
We haven’t been very good at home repairs in the past and in some cases and over some projects, we’ve butted heads because we both wanted to control how we completed them. We each thought we had the “right” way to get the project done and of course, we each held onto our way, causing anger, distance and hurt feelings.
While we normally are very loving and kind to one another, in the past, when we tried to do home repair projects, we hadn’t been. Both of us had been insecure about tackling a repair project and usually didn’t know the best way to do something even though we pretended that our way was the correct way.
Years ago, a task like ridding our yard of poison ivy along our back fence turned into stubbornness and anger, with nothing getting accomplished. Since my ex-husband and my father always automatically took care of house repair jobs, I secretly expected Otto to do the same when we first got together. But then when he tried, I always had a better way in my mind to accomplish the task which resulted in both of us getting defensive, shutting down and in this instance, the poison ivy growing out of control.
It has taken us years to learn how to communicate in these kinds of situations to reach where we are today–facing the damage the recent storm has caused with ease and flow.
Otto recently told me that he’s had to learn to stop himself from acting like a know-it-all and remember that I might have some good ideas that are just as valid as his and that he wants to hear what I have to say.
For me, I’ve had to dial back my defensiveness and insecurities that can show up as control and listen to his ideas with an open heart so that we can find the best answer to solve the problem together. I don’t have to listen to my ego that said that I can do this myself and that my way is the correct way.
Surprisingly looking back, neither of us were upset by what happened as a result of that storm. We approached it calmly allowing miracles and synchronicities to happen. Neither one of us tried to take control over any part of it. We were able to work together and allowed the project to unfold naturally and even magically.
Our neighbor’s insurance adjuster came to assess the damage and we were awarded a settlement. Otto had met a guy who would cut and remove the part of the tree that was on our house at a reasonable price. This guy’s father had siding experience so he was able to easily switch out the siding pieces. The roofing company is scheduled to replace a few shingles and the unusable gutters. This all has happened easily and effortlessly in part because we focused on what we wanted, worked together and didn’t get upset by the circumstances.
That left re-screening the torn screens which in the past has been a difficult experience and this time, it was just as physically demanding. What was different was the state of mind we were both in.
We listened to each other, worked together and took breaks when the job got overwhelming in the 90-degree heat. We didn’t get upset when mistakes were made but just kept on encouraging each other instead of getting angry.
Yes, we’ve learned a lot in the 29 years we’ve been together about how to get along with each other in a loving, kind way even when it’s not easy. Despite knowing we were soulmates, at times, we’d looked at each other as the enemy but we realized we didn’t have to do that.
When you remember this is your beloved and keep the goal in mind, you’re more likely to open to communicating with love rather than anger or defensiveness.
We’ve discovered that anyone can learn how to work better together, even on difficult projects or making difficult decisions, if you pay attention to your state of mind instead of unconsciously reacting and looking at the other person as someone to fight against to get your way.
Life is so much easier and happier when you listen with love to yourself and the other person and work together to solve a problem instead of being at odds with one another and taking your thinking seriously.
Even storm damage can be a blessing in disguise and allow for deeper connection and trust-if you’re open to seeing it in a new way.